Sunday, July 17, 2016

A Failed Sex Slave

Not long ago I did this podcast interview with Jasun Horsley of "Liminalist" fame. We were sitting in his kitchen, talking face to face. We were talking about our "alters" : subconscious personalities, or fragments of ourselves, that we think may have been programmed into us as children. Jasun spoke of his "sociopath" alter, which had surfaced in a dream that same week, and asked if I felt I had any experience with alters. I talked about the fact that as a child, I had conscious memories (although at the time they appeared to be complex fantasies) of being sexually tortured with hundreds of other children in an underground facility. The torturers were dressed as witches, and used electric cattle prods on the children who were immobilized on a conveyor belt. This same bizarre scenario, which I tried (at age 4 or 5) to describe to my mother, turned up nearly 50 years later in accounts I found online by MKULTRA survivors. The details were too similar to overlook: scientists dressed as "witches and clowns" ... children strapped to a conveyor belt in an underground facility, which some suggest was at China Lake military base in California, in the 1950s. Here is the interview with Jasun Horsley, from last April. Part of me thinks I only scratched the surface.

We know -- or at least some of us know -- that children are being "sexualized" early on. We haven't been told that this programming has been going on for decades, and was something the scientists who ran the MKULTRA program were interested in. The purpose: fragmenting the human personality in early childhood to create alters -- unconscious parts -- that can be programmed in useful ways. For girls: prostitution was always a primary option. We're seeing the results of this in fashion and media.

As for me, I didn't end up acting on my programming -- as far as I know. But I believe it's in there, somewhere, and has influenced my life at times. It's a subject too strange and personal, maybe, to delve into here. But I hope to, elsewhere.

Meanwhile, I notice there are TED TALKS on "transgenderism" but none on MKULTRA. That's something that needs to be addressed. It is now okay, in fact fashionable, to come out as a transgendered person. But it remains taboo to talk about secret experiments on children that happened right here, in our lifetime, that continue to change our world in mainly unconscious ways.


Jake said...


I stumbled upon your blog today and your post here reminded me of a strange memory that I can't account for. I've had this memory since 5 or 6 years of age, before knowing anything about stuff like MKULTRA.

I recall lying on an operating table with 3 or more masked doctors standing over me, an overhead light was shining, and one female doctor in the middle of the bunch was holding a scalpel. Holding the scalpel upright, she began leaning towards me presumably beginning some kind of procedure. The surrounding areas of the room were too dark to make anything out.

I've never undergone surgery, and am doubtful I have memories from immediately after I was born. My parents are unsure of where this memory originated. It could be a fantasy or false-memory, I suppose.

Is there evidence MKULTRA or a similar program is still in operation? Would not be surprised at all if it is, but I am in my early 20's and most accounts I've read are from individuals who were alive in the 50s/60s.


- Jake

Ann Diamond said...

Hi Jake
I had a very similar "body memory" of lying on an operating table surrounded by doctors, although the "procedure" they were trying involved a powerful electroshock to the heart.

I can't tell you for sure whether your memory is real but many people insist these kinds of experiments never stopped and continue today in new forms under different pretexts.

Unknown said...

Ann, I'm 62, have Complex-PTSD and DID. I've been working on issues for 7 or more years. One day, a couple of months ago, I was walking out the door with my therapist and he was talking to me and using his hands quite a bit.

I was triggered, long story short, to a suicide command. I had never even heard of MK Ultra until I started researching the flashbacks and images I was experiencing. I KNOW I was part of this even if I can't prove it.

Now I've been trying to find reliable sources for information. I especially want to know about hand signals and words, and such things designed to activate alters. I don't want to accidently go through the hell that's like what I just worked my way out of. My life has been really unhappy. Wouldn't it be nice to be freed of whatever is hanging out in the recesses of my mind and have a little joy? Your blog seems reasonable so I thought maybe you could give me some guidance and reliable websites for information. Right now all I have are bizarre flashbacks and lots of painful somatic symptoms. Thanks Jacque

Ann Diamond said...

Hi Jacque
There is a lot of detailed information on programming provided by therapists at the CKLN radio series on Mind Control from back in 1998:

Another excellent source is the S.M.A.R.T. website

You could start looking there. Your therapist may have unconsciously triggered you -- or perhaps it was intentional. I believe this programming is very widespread and is constantly being reinforced by mass media, perhaps especially television which is designed to send subliminal messages. We are all swimming in these coded signals. So my best advice is to disconnect as much as possible, focus on nature and ones own body and mind, and the link to 'God' or the universe - whatever you like to call it -- in order to heal.

I hope this is helpful. Thanks for sharing your story -- comments like yours make this work much more meaningful.

Unknown said...

Thanks Anne!

This helps a lot. I'll be reading more of your blog.

Also wanted to let you know that my therapist said the same thing as you. Stay away from all media. Especially TV. He said PLEASE. I broke my promise a bit, and went online, but found your blog while looking up Leonard Cohen, having listened to him all day.

Also, I like the name of this post, "A Failed Sex Slave". At one time I was going to write a memoir and call it "I Was a Child Porn Star" (tongue in cheek).

It's still very hard for me to be open about this, so thanks for getting back to me!

Anonymous Grad Student said...

Have posted a few times because it's hard to write this sort of thing.

1. Body memories of bright light, scalpels, procedure. (Age 3 first time recited memory to mother during 80's.)

2. Flashback to memory of being on table given electroshock. Had memory around age 18 as flashback in middle of night. I see myself at age 6 or so in the dream clutching myself. I'm entirely naked. Electroshock causes that whole high energy feeling like holding a copper wire or what I later learned Hindus call "kundalini" but more painful. There's something erotic about it but also nauseating about the memory and it seems quite real. It's like I'm reliving experience but also outside of myself in shock.

3. Same memory occurs suddenly out of context and wakes me up multiple times since, like a flashback / night terror.

Around age 10 had other dreams about underground facilities, being ushered through vault doors between rooms that must be opened via a turning wheel (like doors to a submarine or bank vault), hospital rooms, injections, hospital trays on wheels, being put in hospital gowns, etc. Lots of phosphene activity. Never spent time in hospitals. Was surprised to realize later how realistic these "dreams" were.

I take it all with a grain of salt but benefit of the doubt. Memories are too like memories and unlike normal dreams to ignore. There are a lot more details but am even more uncomfortable than I realized writing down point blank, particularly because it begins to paint a picture that looks clearer than I realized and that I don't much like.

I'm a "millennial" on brink of Gen X in thirties, so apparently this stuff did come up later if any of my stuff are legit memories. They feel / process mentally like legit memories, but I don't know how to interpret them.

Ann Diamond said...

I do not doubt the reality of these detailed memories -- which are traumatic to explore, but possibly less traumatic for being shared. Especially as many people are reporting them. What surprises me is how reluctant many of are to speak about them even when they are extremely vivid, precise, and corroborated by other evidence that such programs have been operating since the 1950s and even earlier.

The best approach is combine personal healing with active research and reading -- and where possible, writing and talking. As the stories become known, 'plausible deniabilty' is no longer an option for the perpetrators. This is our only chance: strength in unity and affirmation.

I'm very glad to see people posting comments here and I'm hoping for more and more.

Ann Diamond said...

Eventually I may get up the nerve to reblog this here. For now, it's a cautionary tale about where unconscious programming can lead a girl

jen X said...

A peer support culture for survivors of extreme childhood abuse including systematic and ritual crimes is developing in Ottawa (of all places).

This spring we will be bringing Sandra Fecht, one of two therapists in Canada who specializes in working with survivors of satanic ritual abuse, for a 3-day workshop. She has developed very effective energy healing methods based on kinesiology/'muscle testing' and will be teaching approaches for survivors and healers. We are in the early planning stages and will have more info in the new year.

I was connected with Sandra by Kevin Annett who is a long time activist in exposing the global network of pedocidal, control freak soul-eaters behind all of these ongoing outrageous crimes;,,

Thank you for your thoughtful and informative sites, Ann.

Ann Diamond said...

Thank you, Jen X -- and please keep me informed about the workshop so I can spread the word!

Happy New Year to all

Ann Diamond said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ann Diamond said...

I recently received an email from the producer of the series PROGRAMMED TO KILL, largely based on the late Dave McGowan's book by the same name.

The videos on Karla Homolka (mentioned in my interview with Jasun Horsley May 28, 2016) are worth watching for some new insights into Masonic and ritual abuse, themes covered up during the trial and by Canadian media. I can't help thinking if we had been told the truth, we would have dealt with these traumatic events differently.

Go YouTube

Jacqueline said...

Thanks for this link. I am finding little bits of insight here and there and I appreciate it. I don't feel quite so alone in my struggle to just live day to day. I wish so much that the floodgates to my memories hadn't opened so late in my life. I feel like my life is so meaningless and I look back and wonder what direction I would have taken under different circumstances. Sorry, you may not want to publish this comment because I truly feel so sad right now and so helpless to change in the ways I need to change. It's really horrible.
Best Wishes and Keep up the great work.

Ann Diamond said...

Your comments are very much appreciated and I would never delete them! Everyone who has been through these secret programs and tried to live with their consequences deserves all the support and understanding they can get, myself included. I hope attitudes change so that you find a way not to feel so helpless. Yes, these stories are horrific -- and Karla Homolka is an extreme case of what these psychopathic military scientists were attempting to create and let loose. The only way to get past the fear and depression is, as Fritz Springmeier said (quoting Jesus): to become "wise as serpents." If we can overcome our aversion to knowing the truth, we can begin to change the world we live in.

Jacqueline said...

Thanks for your support Ann. More memories are floating up to the surface. Boy, this is way rougher than the first system of trauma induced alters I had. At the time I was in therapy for that I thought those memories were bad. This is so much worse. It's on a different level and actually a separate system.

When you were in the facility as a child, do you remember if any U.S. children were there also? I remember a long barracks, dormitory or ward with many children in it. A bank of windows was across from me over the beds of the other row. I can picture it quite vividly. I also remember in travel that we had to stop at a crossing and it seemed like a border crossing. I was told to sit up and smile at the officer. It was a very long trip. I think if I can figure out where I was I might be able to get more information to help me along.

Ann Diamond said...

Hi Jacqueline -- reading your comments brings up many questions that I probably can't get into here, at least not just now. It seems you are in the process of recovering many painful memories in vivid detail. I don't know if you're working with a therapist, or keeping a journal, or using self-hypnosis -- but it sounds extremely intense.

To answer your question about the facility I remember from about age 4: i have no idea who the children were. I had the impression there were over a hundred, but where they came from, I have no idea 00 and it seemed t o be underground, and I felt it was a laboratory, and I remember very distinctly that there were "witches" using cattle prods on the children's genitals, and that we were strapped down to a moving belt like a factory assembly line -- and until 2003 I thought this was a strange childhood fantasy that I think I tried to describe to my mother, who told me it was just a "bad dream" -- In 2002 I learned about MKULTRA and it felt extremely familiar, so I would read 12 hours a day for several months -- everything I could find -- and eventually I found a description of an underground facility at China Lake AF base in California, which matched my memory -- at first I still clung to the idea that it was just a bad dream, or a psychic event -- i.e. I had dreamed about a real experiment, but couldch not possibly have been there -- but later I realized large pieces of my childhood were missing, I missed 100 days of school in Grade Two. My twin brother told me he remembered our family often going to the airport to watch the planes take off -- that this was a regular family ritual -- and i had absolutely no memory of those outings -- so it seemed possible that my parents and brother were actually seeing me off as I was flown here and there --

I don't remember any dormitory or ward -- and I don't remember border crossings. I think most of my memories are still latent. I have had flashbacks of being on an operating table, and receiving a massive electroshock to the heart (at about age 4 or 5?) ... and I had a strange fantasy, when I was around 10, that I belonged to a group of children who were sent up North, to live in igloos -- and I think that may have been an actual experiment --

I hope this helps. May I ask what area or city you grew up in?